Let’s fritter away some money.
My picks in Week 1 didn’t pan out terribly well, but I am ready to bounce back after putting in the work in the degeneracy dungeon at BTP headquarters, chain smoking and staring at box scores for 72 straight hours in an effort to refocus. Our team has been hitting the torture chamber extra hard as penance for last week’s effort; my accountant, Horace, has been stretching himself out on the rack since Tuesday.
Baby needs a new pair of shoes, and more smokes, so let’s get to it.
I wasn’t going to bet the NCSU-UT game this week but as I see the Vols are up to -10 (I’m using DraftKings, for the record), you know what, give me the Wolfpack. We’re living large in Charlotte! Also I’m going to this game so I’d rather not think about the alternative.
Obligatory Bet Against UNC Of The Week
Charlotte +22 vs. UNC: A quick dungeon straw poll tells me that confidence is low, but no matter, we forge on, picking against UNC is a sacred duty we just decided we had and we take it very seriously. Charlotte was awful last week and will continue to be awful this week and on into the rest of the weeks, but I see a path, albeit unlikely, to a 31-10 loss for the 49ers. They’re coached by a guy named Biff, so I’m counting on them to make like a tree and get out of there with a narrow cover.
Around The Country
Duke vs. Northwestern, under 37.5: Duke squeezed past Elon 26-3 last week, while Northwestern edged Miami (no, the other one) 13-6. The Wildcats’ temporary stadium is right on the lake, with nothing to shield it from the wind or anything else, and like a true sicko I had a glance at the wind conditions for tonight before making this pick. Not that either of these teams needs adverse weather conditions to look bad offensively. They are their own adverse weather conditions.
If I were Northwestern’s quarterback, I’d use the wind as an excuse on every missed throw. As I’m evaluating my 8-27 passing performance postgame, I’d shake my head and turn to the guys, lamenting that “those lake effects were really bad today, man.”
“Getting sunscreen in your eyes is not a lake effect,” they’ll say. “Tripping over your own feet for a self-sack is not a lake effect.” Buddy, the lake effect is a mindset.
Georgia Tech vs. Syracuse +3: The Orange look capable offensively, with Kyle McCord putting together an encouraging debut last week. Given what FSU did against BC on Monday, Georgia Tech’s performance against the Noles in Ireland might be overvalued.
South Carolina vs. Kentucky, under 42.5: This is basically just a bet against South Carolina’s offense, which averaged 3.7 yards per play at home against Old Dominion in Week 1. The Gamecocks ran the ball 56 times in an effort to completely forget about their quarterback, which feels like a bad sign. The USM-Kentucky game last week featured a total of 73 plays from scrimmage.
Temple vs. Navy -13.5: About all you can say for the Owls in Week 1 is they showed up on time. And good for them; punctuality is important. Well, most of the Owls showed up on time. The run defense is still on a milk carton.
App State vs. Clemson, under 53: I guess it’s Unders Week. Clemson might well break through in a big way, who knows, and this game is under the lights—but it feels like the pressure on Cade Klubnik and that offense is already pretty high. After last season, and that dud against UGA, a slow start at home might turn the vibes bad in a hurry.